Can Attention Be Sexy?

Why a Friend Deal is always 'The Future'

You know the woman at the airport gate doing “nothing?” She’s sitting up straight eating a banana while she looks out the window. She notices the planes moving slowly on the tarmac, notices the hazy pink sky, the family with six kids straggling behind them, the young couple seething in a stalemate with backs turned to each other. She hears the sound of 100,000 shoes clicking on the shiny floor and notices her own thirst and her excitement to dig into her book. A toddler waddles through the seats holding his elephant stuffy, casting his glance around looking for someone to notice him, and… there she is. The only set of eyes in the building. Everyone else is eyes down immersed in a world that is not there. She smiles at the toddler. They giggle together, both hearts expand in that mundane and sacred moment of human connection, and then he crawls back over to his parents who, in their own device focus, didn’t even notice that he’d gone away. Don’t be fooled: this woman does have a phone and a job and responsibilities. Keep reading.

Do you know this woman?

Why is she an endangered animal?

Real people at a real river at a real retreat of mine in 2023. Face to face.

I am attracted to her. I want to be her. In many moments, I am her. That woman, that human of any kind, is sensual, is sexy for being sensual, is actually here. Yes, she has a smart phone but she knows how to use it as a tool. Because her attention hasn’t been stolen by it, she is in control of its when/how/why/where. Not the other way around. I remember telling friends years ago that I would never be sexually drawn to a person on a phone. Like, get outta here please. Sex appeal just evaporates. That’s my preference; it might not be yours. But my mammal body cannot move toward someone on a phone with any sort of desire—plutonic or not. I want strong hands that know how to do more than type, presence, eye contact, rain on my face, the smell of someone’s skin. Because what does sexy mean? Vital. Alive. Pulsing with life force.

You know what is categorically NOT SEXY?

For anyone.

Task switching. Task switching makes you numb. It scrambles your brain. You don’t know where you are. You can’t remember what you were doing. You become robotic and unaware of the light coming in from the window or the fact that the dogs need water. You are breathless.

What is task switching? We are all doing it all the time. Our smart technology + a faster life pace has created that. You go to check the weather and suddenly you are down the wormhole from a text that popped in and that reminded you need to call the dentist and so you are writing that down and then you remembered that you haven’t paid the bills, but what about that work email and then you need to go to a meeting but you have forgotten to feed yourself. That.

Or, as one wise elder responded to my last newsletter:

“I sat down over an hour ago to write a monthly reflection for a year-long class I'm taking. I got distracted by, "Oh, I'll just check a few emails." This wouldn't have happened in my 30s or 40s. Now, 30 or so years later, it happened for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that I have 58 windows open on my computer. I counted.”

Another friend spoke about how she feels her own judgment and maybe mine if she can’t get ahold of her attention.

Truly, no shame. Distraction is me too.

I’m curious about what one of my mentor’s calls “healthy self-confrontation.”

Because imagine what we could actually do with our attention!

• the messages we could receive as sacred human instruments

• the ways we could deepen relationships and build community

• the sense of wellbeing we might feel in our own bodies when the volume of input is reasonable

• the actual embodiment to be with and move with feelings (oh my gawd)

• the potential to turn toward our world and add something good to it

Unhooking from the status quo WAY of doing life in 2025 is a social animal task. We are mammals. We need to build a culture of attention reclamation with one another. The attention wound is relational and we heal it that way. I will continue writing about attention because I want people to find a way to address it. Not to listen to a podcast about it and nod your head and then do nothing. To GET IN THERE and attend to your nervous system’s responses and the stories you have created about your own life.

It doesn’t happen cognitively.

It doesn’t happen with a hot take or journalist spin.

It happens with an embodiment practice alongside others.

As a story mammal.

You all know I have a class coming up. If it calls to you, please join us. We start on April 9th, this Wednesday. The FRIEND DEAL (1/2 off!) is good right up until we start. I have offered a friend deal for a number of years because I know how important the culture building is—and, if you can’t bring a friend, don’t worry, you will make a friend or many in the course.

This course will move the needle for you. I pinky swear. For real.

If the class doesn’t call to you, bless. I don’t expect or plan to be for everyone. Please, though, consider finding someone who or something that can support you in your attention reclamation. I really mean that.

Rewild is a buzz word for a reason these days.

People are hungry.

Let’s get sexy,