Evolutionary Mismatch
Solstice Possibilities
Breakfast by candlelight? Yes please. My second born came barreling into the world eight years ago on this December 20th day—solstice eve, a time she feels very connected to, candles, darkness, winter, the knowing that it’s a sacred time collectively. Our Bo Neve is always making small altars under trees and in our many houseplants. I remember the sensation of her tiny foot pushing off my uterus before she slid into the water. It was a short fierce labor, somewhere between 1-3 hours. The fact that I don’t remember the actual length shows me my own metabolization of postpartum. Whoa. I do remember putting my hand on Chris’ leg in the car at 3am, seeing the red Ace Hardware sign out the window, and saying, “If you don’t get there now, this baby is coming out in the car.” Oh, also, once we arrived at the birth center, I crawled around on the floor waiting for the tub to fill and demanded that he take my socks off my otherwise naked body. Somehow that mattered.
I often wonder what “teachings” parents in each generation are pressed to pass on to their children. It’s geographic, situational, cultural… and every parent is biologically wired to want to create some integral basics for their offspring: safety, food, shelter, love (of self and from others), community.
What is era specific, though?
For me, I am determined to do my best to close the gap for them (and any other children in my life) on the areas that feel, in these 2020-40’s times especially fragile, untended to, and therefore full of possibility. I speak to my girls about it all. They know these topics matter to me. They know they ultimately have their own choice about how to engage it all but they are clear on my mother-mission. **It’s a work in progress. I’ve recently had deep renegotiations with my firstborn love (because she has so beautifully articulated to me) about technology and meeting in the middle.
Reverence and deep and specific relationship to:
The Earth. You are stewards of this planet. Know a place well. Offer it your energetic medicine and be open to receiving its medicine for you and others. Gentle touch with all animals and gratitude for those you eat. Listen to the plants. Invite other people into the awe and noticing of beauty. Fractals everywhere. Greet plants and animals as if they are your family. The earth will be fine without us but while we are here we must be active in our care of it. Female bodies in particular reflect the state of the earth. We are the earth so how we care for it is how we care for ourselves. The earth speaks in weather patterns.
The Body. Your body is your vessel. It is gorgeous. Decorate it however you are inspired to and it doesn’t have to be how I or anyone else does. Notice your hunger and meet the need with something that fills you up. Drink water. Free your eyes. Meet the eyes of other creatures. Your attention is your gold. Tend to it. This will be an edge for your generation. Look up. Look around. Slow blow outbreaths. Fast breaths are there for a reason too. Play, play, play. How does your body show you that you feel that emotion? Massage your own face. Notice chemistry with others; you will feel drawn to some people more than others, trust and honor that internal wisdom.
The Human Family. What do you think it feels like for that person to be that person? What does it feel like to be you when you are in this environment versus that environment? When do you belong? When don’t you? Be the person in the room who helps people belong. You come from a long line of people who have done that. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone is scared. Everyone is doing their best. It’s very okay and very important to be friends with someone who doesn’t agree with you, as long as you respect each other. Be curious about everyone, especially those who seem different from you. Don’t assume; wonder instead.
All to say, I was overcome with relief and joy when I read this New York Times article, The Extremely Offline Joy of The Board Game Club. Read it! It reminded me to trust that we are mammals who will seek to balance ourselves out. If we eat chocolate for three days straight, our body will eventually seek the broccoli. If we stare at screens for three days straight, our body will eventually collapse and seek connection with the tactile. Here it is! These young beautiful humans followed the impulse and now gather to play board games together. It takes verve to say, This way of being doesn’t feel good so let’s do something that does. I feel so proud of them.
I recently heard the term EVOLUTIONARY MISMATCH from Dr. Aviva Romm on a podcast. Yes, yes. She had named the tension I’ve felt for so long. We aren’t adapted (yet) to being sedentary and solitary and on screen all day. We are suffering because of it. Her point was that so much illness stems for this evolutionary mismatch.
But what is possible?
Can we notice this mismatch and tend to ourselves? Make the boundaries. I recently texted a friend, “I am becoming someone who takes exquisite care of herself and my/the world is better for it.” Fucking bold. Fuck yes. I’m creating new pacts with friends to no longer support in each other even an inkling of martyrdom or non-prioritizing of the body. There is another way. This era is going to require more of us than sacrificing ourselves. We share a collective narrative about the nobility of falling on the flames. Oh, the sacrifice. Oh, the giving. Oh, the way she put their needs before her own. Oh, the way she is so productive and gives her all. How holy. How elevated. How ascended. Maybe. But it hasn't played out very well for the everyday human: like me, like you. Does it have to be so mutually exclusive? Their needs or my needs? For the mothers out there, it’s both haunting and exciting to know that the #1 factor that indicates the well-being of a child is how contented the mother is with her life. Extrapolate.
Look around. The plot is asking for a pivot. Nerves are shot. Eyes are vacant or panicked. Immune systems are turning against themselves. AND, nerves, eyes and immune systems are finally getting some attention because of it. Are we not being called into a new time of supporting others and giving but from a deep well of inner resource? So much is possible. It’s already happening. What is your role in it all? The word sustainable might be the word of the next decade. It takes some dismantling of stories and adaptive patterns in order to build a new. Let’s all do it in groups. It’s already happening. Gather, gather. Groups create culture and, for shifts to stick, they have to happen within a culture.
Okay, off to the culture of celebrating Bo’s birthday at school.
Love,
Perhaps Bo needs a half birthday full of flowers every June 20th? That makes me smile to think of it. I am a June 21st baby and always wanted a half birthday so I could have a school party like all the other kids.