Can I/We Build Resilience for What Feels Good?

Question of May

Last week, on a brisk wet spring day, I was waiting for an appointment and chatting with the office receptionist. In about five minutes, we discovered that she had seen me speak at our local bookstore on my tour for Body Full of Stars.

More than 6 years ago.

She gazed at me and then nodded her head: “You look so much younger now.”

She said it twice. Emphasized it.

I blew right past her comment into an explanation of “Yep, I was sleep deprived then and nutrient depleted and on a hormonal rollercoaster.” That is actually true of until about 1.5 years ago. But then I stopped myself and said, “You know what? I’ll take it. Thank you. I’m taking in what you said.”

Do I have more wrinkles and gray hair and weathered skin than I did back then? Yep, absolutely. In many ways, I look so much older, especially after my blood transfusion. But I believe she was seeing a new vitality, an easier ease in me. Less defended (unless I actually need to be). Less braced. Less holding it together. Plus, let’s be straight, I’m at a stage where my kids sleep through the night (mostly) and do everything (mostly, mostly) for themselves. I don’t feel vital all the time. These past few months have challenged me deeply; in sum total, though, I am a better friend to myself and am more underneath my patterns than I ever have been.

Two left photos are current: silly with my Eula and Bo and sending a photo to a friend of my weathered but steadier eyes. Two right photos are 2018: book talk with my beloved Courtney Martin (happy to be there but I can see my own tired over-ride in my face), and deep in sleep deprivation and loving and caretaking and overwhelm.

Why this story?

As the world crumbles and rebuilds, as we participate in that change, as I read news headlines and find my part in it, it can feel silly to notice the small personal shifts. That noticing, though, also might be the glue that allows new micro-patterns which affect the macro-pattern.

People often talk about building resilience to handle the hard times.

Yes, 100%

There is also building resilience for what feels good. It sounds counterintuitive, right? But, for many of us, trusting a good sensation or feeling or experience can feel like a threat. I have this experience primarily with my body. One day my leg muscles feel supple and unburdened and I immediately wonder, What happened? Why is this happening? This is unfamiliar. Another day, my pelvic floor is acting exactly like I want it to and my response is to be cautious and untrusting, as if it’s behavior is a decoy, a wolf in lamb’s clothing, a tease that will hurt later.

It’s my nervous system and my soul saying, “Give me back what I know!” Give me back my un-vital, ailing self.

Even if it is something I don’t like.

Why? Because it’s become familiar and therefore feels safer. Strange but true.

I know some of you know this example well: wink, wink. You are coasting in your primary relationship with no disagreements for a while and then, out of the blue, with no real reason you can identify (or a very very weak and old story kind of reason), you pick a fight. You get right in there and try to fuck up the peace. Why? Repeat from above. For your system, discord is familiar and therefore feels safer.

SO, this month, I want to continue my exploration of how to actively build resilience for the good, for the change, for the NEW.

I’ve witnessed resistance to the change in my work the last 14 years and with friends and with myself…. the moment a pattern starts to shift for the better in the direction we desire, we often start to backpedal. Some call it extinction burst. I’m sure there are other names too.

I want to simplify it down to this question:

How can I build resilience for what feels good?

How can I feel safe with this new good thing?

How can YOU?

For me it starts with #1 noticing. Then #2 Saying it aloud to myself: This is happening, whoa, my pelvic floor is rocking it. Being gentle and curious with the defense which will try to take me back to what is familiar either by telling me I suck and my pelvic floor will never fully heal or doing something to hurt it back into an old pattern. Then #3 telling a trusted person that I’m noticing what feels good: Guess, what… my pelvic floor is rocking it. Maybe even name why that feels good but also uncomfortable in its newness. Rinse and repeat. That process builds new neural pathways.

Especially when there are set-backs.

There will be set-backs.

On a zoom out, isn’t this the project we are facing as humanity right now? In 2024, can our bodies tolerate a moment or even a day of non-anxiety? I’m serious. It can feel threatening and maybe ‘not responsible’ to not be anxious, right? There’s too much to spin about this year, this future, all of it. Okay, I’m not saying ignore the challenges. I’m saying how can we give some air time to what actually feels good, what might be a future of possibility. Because it’s our birthright to know how to feel good. Because that noticing creates a new path. I think we can all agree on the shared desire of a new collective path.

Building resilience around what feels good and/or new is best done, like many things, with a friend. Share with one another. Track it together. Celebrate alongside each other. Remember, social animals we are!

Signing off with awe…

+ I smell like a horse. Is that bizarre? After exercising, I now smell legit like a horse. Another friend says she smells like tacos. I’m fascinated.