This is such a prescient line of inquiry. It's been on my mind and heart for a while now! Thank you for naming it, and creating space for this conversation.
From Reader [I've removed all the specifics for privacy]:
"Hi Molly
I’ve been mulling over the reverberations of your words in this email and realize I have to let you know how they’ve landed.
First, I didn’t expect these words from YOU. You who has always been so amazing at naming your own emotions and being honest about your own struggles.
No, we don’t just suddenly all have ADHD now just like a few years ago we didn’t just all of a sudden become gay or queer or pansexual. Women have been suffering alone without knowing what’s wrong with them. But knowing something was deeply wrong with them. Oh, the symptoms of these Disorders had only been studied in men. So no one recognize them in ourselves much less us. Now we’re finally talking to each other in a global way and realizing we’re not alone. And it’s saving lives. These mental disorders, run in families. They run in my family. Two of my cousins have recently been diagnosed and it absolutely saved one of their lives. I myself have been diagnosed as autistic ADHD and I cannot tell you how much better I feel in my body, knowing that it’s not something I should be able to control or snap out of. I have never not felt this way so I thought it was normal for me to suffer like this. Now I look at my dead mother and realize that she was struggling with this too. And could have gotten help. And that would have saved us all from so much trauma.
I’m 55 years old. And I’m finally getting the help I need I know so many women are in the same situation. And reading words like yours diminishes are experience. You do you and let us to us and save your commentary for things you understand.
thank you ."
I responded with:
"Hi X,
I'm so glad you reached out and shared your thoughts. I've had super dynamic conversations with people following this post of mine--which is exactly what I was seeking, to open the conversation and learn on my end and try to understand what I'm seeing and where my blindspots exist. Many have told me what you said above--about feeling so much better in their bodies, about lives being saved. I am very open to having this discourse publicly and encourage you (as I did others) to share your thoughts in the comments section if you like.
I was very much, as you wrote above, naming my own emotions in that post. I wrote it because I have many loved ones in my life who have ADHD and have been massively helped by medication as well as the growing research and therefore support from providers. What I have struggled with is the casualness with which people who actually don't have ADHD use the word ADHD, or fling it around and say things like, "I'm so ADHD right now." To me, that belittles the reality of people who actually do have it and also strips those who don't from taking responsibility for how they are engaging with the modern world. They (not you or people with ADHD) feel "so ADHD" because, for example, they have given their life over to social media and are addicted to screens. That's the rub for me. Are we all seeing this? Are we as a culture perpetuating attention atrophy and then wondering why most humans can't focus? Because I'm a fallible human, I may have miswritten or not gotten my point across accurately in my post. My point was: some people have ADHD, but not everyone does. Yet, the way the modern world has been architectured is creating an attention issue at large, and we can't call that ADHD (because ADHD, if I'm hearing correctly from people, is often inherited and biological). But most modern people have attention challenges because of the world we've created.
I wanted to uncouple ADHD from modern common attention atrophy.
You can take or leave this.
I'm not trying to fix it, merely to respond.
I never set out to please all my readers because that's impossible and I will always always always continue to write about things I don't understand in order to stir up conversation so that I can better understand them. I don't know any writers/artists who only write about what they understand and I don't know any humans who understand anything to its fullest. Thank you for your thoughts. I learn from all these interactions.
With care,
Molly"
Her response:
"Thank you for your time and energy in your response, Molly. I have to admit, it was the title that shocked me more than your words. And, knowing that so many people ONLY read titles, and also knowing how much people (including myself) deeply TRUST you because 99% of your words resonate like a bell tolling…. It just felt too much like all the other cheap shots I keep reading and hearing around tables for me to ignore.
In hindsight, that bias stopped me from absorbing your actual message, which, as usual, resonates like a clear deep bell.
I apologize for my knee jerk reaction and I thank you for your grace."
Hi All, Lots of rich conversation happening in my email with people. I'm going to post some of it here anonymously because I think we all learn from these exchanges.
From Reader: [I've removed all the specifics for privacy]:
"Dear Molly, Great bear to poke!! Here are a few thoughts; food for thought.
1) Hell yes we are all fragmented and distracted due to the pace of the life we have either chosen or been thrust into!
2) No, that is not necessarily ADHD. ADHD runs in my family. I don't think ADHD is "made" by our society, but all things are on a spectrum, and society's boxes and frameworks can make ADHD an acceptable superpower or something to overcome.
3) ADHD is not a bad thing. It is incredible! Man, when my mom, I or my child focus on something, we are unstoppable. We are smart, and we deep-dive, and we become experts in every field we find engaging. AND, we miss parties and appointments and run out of gas (literally, like in our cars).
4) I tried ADHD medicine as an adult and here is what I noticed:
I filled up my gas tank. For real. For my brain, getting gas has no dopamine reward, and the ADHD brain is always searching for more dopamine. Gas? Lame. I'd have to be running on fumes just to force myself to complete this annoying task. With medication, I was able to just GO DO THE TASK. It was actually quite mind-blowing.
The world got more quiet. My head was quieter. I was able to self-soothe and calm down better. I loved, loved, loved this.
I would develop anxiety when the medication wore off around 7pm each day, and this is why I did not keep taking it.
5) Saying, "oh I'm so ADHD" is like saying, "that's so retarded," which we would never say as we did in the 1980s. I often hear, "She's acting schizo," which is challenging to me because my brother is schizophrenic, and people who talk so loosely with that term have no idea what they are talking about. ADHD is different from fragmentation and overwhelm.
6) Without medication, I'm now back to my own methods of focusing. Counter to what most people think, all three generations in my family MUST have additional stimuli to focus, and we also MUST have stimuli to accomplish banal tasks. Example: I listen to juicy podcasts when I clean/do laundry, which has created a signal in my brain that doing laundry = dopamine. It's helped me tremendously. Another example: kids who doodle or listen to music when they study; it provides activity for a busy brain so that the rest of the busy brain can focus on the task at hand.
7) I heard a great podcast from a woman who describes what it's like to live with ADHD. We Can Do Hard Things is hit or miss for me, but this one was good. Give it a listen! "What ADHD feels like with Jaklin Levine-Pritzker" on March 27th. She talks about how people with ADHD can thrive in our society when we find a way that works for us, and she also shares that it is NOT A BAD THING that we need to apologize for. ADHD is something we have that others don't. Aren't they jealous? :)
8) When we all get quiet, we are realllllly good at it. I need lots of alone time and quiet time interspersed with action time. Is that an ADHD thing? Or just a human thing? I'm thinking maybe more human, but I'd like to state it b/c people with ADHD can also greatly enjoy solitude, silence, and rest, despite what some people think.
9) Last thing: Whenever I've had body work or energy work done, I've been told I have a lot of energy. So I strongly believe it comes from within us, not from outside of us.
Thank you for the opportunity to reflect on this!
PS: If you were living in 1956 in Mississippi and were Black, I bet your brain would be amped and your nervous system would be exhausted. I know you know this, but I felt the need to say it anyway."
I’ve had such similar conversations with friends about this! I also work with neurodiverse kids, I’d say it’s happening at their age too, in some cases. Kids who don’t fit the mould, being diagnosed as if they’re the problem, when they just can’t take the strip lights, one way learning, indoor & sedentary settings, pace and overwhelm of the environments we put them in. To the woods! It’s a complex topic, thanks for opening it up, interested to see what folks have to say.
This is such a prescient line of inquiry. It's been on my mind and heart for a while now! Thank you for naming it, and creating space for this conversation.
Thanks Tasha!
Here's another exchange with someone over email.
From Reader [I've removed all the specifics for privacy]:
"Hi Molly
I’ve been mulling over the reverberations of your words in this email and realize I have to let you know how they’ve landed.
First, I didn’t expect these words from YOU. You who has always been so amazing at naming your own emotions and being honest about your own struggles.
No, we don’t just suddenly all have ADHD now just like a few years ago we didn’t just all of a sudden become gay or queer or pansexual. Women have been suffering alone without knowing what’s wrong with them. But knowing something was deeply wrong with them. Oh, the symptoms of these Disorders had only been studied in men. So no one recognize them in ourselves much less us. Now we’re finally talking to each other in a global way and realizing we’re not alone. And it’s saving lives. These mental disorders, run in families. They run in my family. Two of my cousins have recently been diagnosed and it absolutely saved one of their lives. I myself have been diagnosed as autistic ADHD and I cannot tell you how much better I feel in my body, knowing that it’s not something I should be able to control or snap out of. I have never not felt this way so I thought it was normal for me to suffer like this. Now I look at my dead mother and realize that she was struggling with this too. And could have gotten help. And that would have saved us all from so much trauma.
I’m 55 years old. And I’m finally getting the help I need I know so many women are in the same situation. And reading words like yours diminishes are experience. You do you and let us to us and save your commentary for things you understand.
thank you ."
I responded with:
"Hi X,
I'm so glad you reached out and shared your thoughts. I've had super dynamic conversations with people following this post of mine--which is exactly what I was seeking, to open the conversation and learn on my end and try to understand what I'm seeing and where my blindspots exist. Many have told me what you said above--about feeling so much better in their bodies, about lives being saved. I am very open to having this discourse publicly and encourage you (as I did others) to share your thoughts in the comments section if you like.
I was very much, as you wrote above, naming my own emotions in that post. I wrote it because I have many loved ones in my life who have ADHD and have been massively helped by medication as well as the growing research and therefore support from providers. What I have struggled with is the casualness with which people who actually don't have ADHD use the word ADHD, or fling it around and say things like, "I'm so ADHD right now." To me, that belittles the reality of people who actually do have it and also strips those who don't from taking responsibility for how they are engaging with the modern world. They (not you or people with ADHD) feel "so ADHD" because, for example, they have given their life over to social media and are addicted to screens. That's the rub for me. Are we all seeing this? Are we as a culture perpetuating attention atrophy and then wondering why most humans can't focus? Because I'm a fallible human, I may have miswritten or not gotten my point across accurately in my post. My point was: some people have ADHD, but not everyone does. Yet, the way the modern world has been architectured is creating an attention issue at large, and we can't call that ADHD (because ADHD, if I'm hearing correctly from people, is often inherited and biological). But most modern people have attention challenges because of the world we've created.
I wanted to uncouple ADHD from modern common attention atrophy.
You can take or leave this.
I'm not trying to fix it, merely to respond.
I never set out to please all my readers because that's impossible and I will always always always continue to write about things I don't understand in order to stir up conversation so that I can better understand them. I don't know any writers/artists who only write about what they understand and I don't know any humans who understand anything to its fullest. Thank you for your thoughts. I learn from all these interactions.
With care,
Molly"
Her response:
"Thank you for your time and energy in your response, Molly. I have to admit, it was the title that shocked me more than your words. And, knowing that so many people ONLY read titles, and also knowing how much people (including myself) deeply TRUST you because 99% of your words resonate like a bell tolling…. It just felt too much like all the other cheap shots I keep reading and hearing around tables for me to ignore.
In hindsight, that bias stopped me from absorbing your actual message, which, as usual, resonates like a clear deep bell.
I apologize for my knee jerk reaction and I thank you for your grace."
Hi All, Lots of rich conversation happening in my email with people. I'm going to post some of it here anonymously because I think we all learn from these exchanges.
From Reader: [I've removed all the specifics for privacy]:
"Dear Molly, Great bear to poke!! Here are a few thoughts; food for thought.
1) Hell yes we are all fragmented and distracted due to the pace of the life we have either chosen or been thrust into!
2) No, that is not necessarily ADHD. ADHD runs in my family. I don't think ADHD is "made" by our society, but all things are on a spectrum, and society's boxes and frameworks can make ADHD an acceptable superpower or something to overcome.
3) ADHD is not a bad thing. It is incredible! Man, when my mom, I or my child focus on something, we are unstoppable. We are smart, and we deep-dive, and we become experts in every field we find engaging. AND, we miss parties and appointments and run out of gas (literally, like in our cars).
4) I tried ADHD medicine as an adult and here is what I noticed:
I filled up my gas tank. For real. For my brain, getting gas has no dopamine reward, and the ADHD brain is always searching for more dopamine. Gas? Lame. I'd have to be running on fumes just to force myself to complete this annoying task. With medication, I was able to just GO DO THE TASK. It was actually quite mind-blowing.
The world got more quiet. My head was quieter. I was able to self-soothe and calm down better. I loved, loved, loved this.
I would develop anxiety when the medication wore off around 7pm each day, and this is why I did not keep taking it.
5) Saying, "oh I'm so ADHD" is like saying, "that's so retarded," which we would never say as we did in the 1980s. I often hear, "She's acting schizo," which is challenging to me because my brother is schizophrenic, and people who talk so loosely with that term have no idea what they are talking about. ADHD is different from fragmentation and overwhelm.
6) Without medication, I'm now back to my own methods of focusing. Counter to what most people think, all three generations in my family MUST have additional stimuli to focus, and we also MUST have stimuli to accomplish banal tasks. Example: I listen to juicy podcasts when I clean/do laundry, which has created a signal in my brain that doing laundry = dopamine. It's helped me tremendously. Another example: kids who doodle or listen to music when they study; it provides activity for a busy brain so that the rest of the busy brain can focus on the task at hand.
7) I heard a great podcast from a woman who describes what it's like to live with ADHD. We Can Do Hard Things is hit or miss for me, but this one was good. Give it a listen! "What ADHD feels like with Jaklin Levine-Pritzker" on March 27th. She talks about how people with ADHD can thrive in our society when we find a way that works for us, and she also shares that it is NOT A BAD THING that we need to apologize for. ADHD is something we have that others don't. Aren't they jealous? :)
8) When we all get quiet, we are realllllly good at it. I need lots of alone time and quiet time interspersed with action time. Is that an ADHD thing? Or just a human thing? I'm thinking maybe more human, but I'd like to state it b/c people with ADHD can also greatly enjoy solitude, silence, and rest, despite what some people think.
9) Last thing: Whenever I've had body work or energy work done, I've been told I have a lot of energy. So I strongly believe it comes from within us, not from outside of us.
Thank you for the opportunity to reflect on this!
PS: If you were living in 1956 in Mississippi and were Black, I bet your brain would be amped and your nervous system would be exhausted. I know you know this, but I felt the need to say it anyway."
I’ve had such similar conversations with friends about this! I also work with neurodiverse kids, I’d say it’s happening at their age too, in some cases. Kids who don’t fit the mould, being diagnosed as if they’re the problem, when they just can’t take the strip lights, one way learning, indoor & sedentary settings, pace and overwhelm of the environments we put them in. To the woods! It’s a complex topic, thanks for opening it up, interested to see what folks have to say.
Roxanne, thank you for sharing this. Yes, I wonder about everything you just named!