Column: How Do I Make Friends?
Circles, circles, circles.
Installment #6 of the Wondering (and Wandering Column). Read more here about my intentions behind this column.
Question: You’ve written about having a close circle of women friends. I am in my mid-late 20s and have always hoped to have that but really never have. It’s one thing I fear missing out on. How did you develop this?
Dear Reader,
What a tender question. Thank you for asking it. You aren’t alone in wondering. Many people have asked me—but how, Molly, …how do you make these circles? Truth: My response has been a blindspot for many years. For a long while, I didn’t understand that many people struggle with forming circles simply because it has never been hard for me. Despite having moved every two years as a child. Why? Perhaps because of modeling. My mother has always maintained deep connections to her closest friends. I watched it be a priority for her.
As a woman in my 20’s, I was “in relationship” with my friends. We wrote each other long love letters across oceans, never missed birthdays, sent each other postcards, were each other’s go-to about anything challenging or exciting, slept in beds together, took showers together, held each other’s hands. I realize now that that wasn’t common. A few of those friends set the tone: This is how we do it. It became familiar. Over time, our life responsibilities have grown. We are still there, but we might send a gushing voice text for a birthday instead of a present that took three days to hand-make and send. Now, that doesn’t mean that is how you have to do it. How do you want to do it? What tone do you want to set? What feels nourishing to YOU?
Remember, we are social animals. We want to bond to others. Of course you fear missing out on it! It’s a basic human need to be in profound relationship with others.
1) Intention is everything.
Are there other women you gravitate towards? Identify them and then imagine a circle. Who would you invite? What would the gathering look like? What topics and activities do you want to gather around? Here are some examples from friends: a spirit and art group, a singing group, a hiking on Wednesdays group, a supper club, book club, a creator’s group. A shared mission or purpose feels good. It feeds the collective energy: why are we here and what are we talking about or doing together? It’s helpful to have commitment. The loosey-goosey groups never take. The container has to be strong. People are generally honored to be invited into something. One of my smaller groups (4 of us) is like a lifeline. We are devoted to each other’s wellbeing and growth. For life. We gather once a month and keep up a revolving voice text chain; we drop soup off and scoop each other up, literally. We aren’t the same age or life stage. **A number of people in my online communities have begun to form in-person circles (at my hefty encouragement), even if they know no one in their local community. It has to start somewhere.
2) Tactile In-Person Experiences.
It isn’t enough to text each other. Truly. I really believe adventures of some kind knit separate bodies into a wholeness. Shared time. Another small group (3 of us) has gathered four times a year to go ceremonially deep with our growth. You can’t put a price on it. My college friends are gathering for a backpacking trip I sadly can’t go on this year. But next year, I will be there. With them. The hallmark cards are right—share memories build friendship. *I want to acknowledge that in-person adventures of any kind might feel unfamiliar to younger modern generations. If you were raised being with friends via a screen or with screens in hand all the time, it might feel strange to be together in the flesh without devices. That’s okay. Begin small. Try it out over and over again in small doses until it starts to feel comfortable enough and then keep going. Your body will like it.
3) Be Willing to Rupture and Repair
Relationship deepen and often strengthen with rupture and repair. We hear about it in parent-child or lover-lover dynamics but rarely in friendship. Somehow it’s more risky with a friend because new friends aren’t invested yet. They could bounce. Trust your gut here. That kind of intimacy builds over time, but it’s an important one in honest friendship. It can still be edge for me. It’s culture building to say, “Let’s do this. Let’s be willing to speak when we are hurt and listen when we have hurt. And, I still love you.”
I hope that’s a start.
I want to honor your impulse to want the circle of close women friends. It starts with that exact internal nudge. Make a move in some direction. Sometimes it’s about being willing to be awkward, “Hi there, I really like you, can we start a friendship?” Maybe in better words than that (ha!) but you get what I’m saying. I’ve done that many times: I dig you, If you dig me, let’s hang out.
You already know how to bond. It’s in your DNA. Trust that.
Go well, go well,
