It's Okay to Be Uncomfortable
You might get mad at this title. That’s okay. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to not like a situation but stick with it. It’s okay to writhe in your skin because of the mistake you made. It’s okay to have to sit through the conversation that bores you or irritates you. It’s okay to feel scared or sad or grimy. It’s okay to feel defeated. It’s okay to distract yourself from feeling defeated. It’s okay to fulfill an obligation you would rather not. It’s okay to work long hours. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to have to stand longer than you want to in a line. It’s okay to wait. It’s okay to be cold. It’s okay to be hot. It’s okay to not like your teacher and get through the school year anyway. It’s okay to be too full. It’s okay to be hungry. To a point. I’m not talking about unbearable living conditions, I’m taking about generalized everyday discomfort.
I recently rescued a bumblebee and placed it on a tree outside. The next evening, while stretching at 9:30pm, I accidentally leaned back on a different bee. For some reason, the sting and swelling launched my rage at the state of the world, at the state of me, at the state of some of my relationships, at the state of 2025.
It felt like shit.
It was overblown and perfectly accurate.
It was still okay, tolerable enough.
As the nervous system experts say, the sweet spot of growth is: ‘uncomfortable but tolerable.’ But, I am noticing a pattern these past few years, especially this year. I see people saying they cannot or will not tolerate the awkward conversation with the neighbor or the expectations of extended family or the environment if it isn’t exactly what they like or the community if it isn’t perfectly curated by value or political sets. The phrase “It makes me uncomfortable so I can’t do it,” seems oddly common.
Why?
I’m curious about intolerable discomfort vs. discomfort that actually is tolerable but simply not preferred.
Are discomfort and an amazing life mutually exclusive? I don’t believe so.
Who has told us that life, if ‘done right,’ is supposed to exist without discomfort?
Again, I’m not talking about life-threatening discomfort.
When I read from or talk to a generation 10-15 years younger than me (P.S. I love them), I notice ease as an expectation, that anything slightly triggering or effortful is to be avoided at all costs: “I don’t have capacity for that conversation or for that kind of job or for that family member.” This isn’t only the privileged set; it’s many of them; is it you? If so, please teach me. It’s likely that your generation has much to instruct me on and I am very willing to learn. I would like believe in a world where ease is extra-large on the pie chart for everyone.
But here's my rub. My children have often told me they don’t want to do something. If I consistently caved with, “Okay you don’t have to” then they wouldn’t have some key life skills: how to swim, ride a bike, go to school, do the dishes, make a bed, look an adult in the eye, ask the teacher a question, ask the adult a question, sit through the performance, use their voice when scared, brush their teeth, brush their hair, start a new sport, give a presentation in school, take a shower on a regular basis, meet a new set of friends, on and on.
Maybe they would have eventually learned on their own?
Not sure.
Each of those uncomfortable thresholds led to an incredible sense of pride from having gotten to the other side. Perhaps because it was a discomfort that was tolerable enough or supported enough. They weren’t alone or in a full threat response. I spent most of the 20’s intentionally putting myself in uncomfortable or “stretch” situations in order to grow—sometimes it was too extreme, but most of the times, I emerged remade.
So, what happens if people avoid the uncomfortable?
Pleas teach me, you all.
Where do you stand on this topic. How do you navigate your own discomfort? Are you able to discern when something is tolerable or not for you? Are you anti-discomfort? Do you think an ideal world should be all ease? Do you believe in discomfort as a teacher? Isn’t social discomfort part of how we expand connection with others, across barriers—or am I wrong here? I’m crowdsourcing. Not for a project or a book, but to deepen my own thinking and understanding.
Thank you, thank you,
People are responding in email so going to post some of these anonymously as they are gold (I took some personal identifying details out):
"Love them all but this piece really resonated with me how this overlaps with the healing world and narrative that we must heal to some unrealistic point and until then we feel broken or less than. That idea and the idea that discomfort can be helpful in growth really connected with me today. Love you molly and all your curiosity and wisdom!!!!!!"
"Growing my capacity for discomfort has been one of the most surprising benefits of my journey as a practitioner and student of sound healing. It’s pretty wild, when those two crystal bowls create a dissonance that makes one eye want to squint and yet I can take a deep breath and be with that sensation. Or when the drumming from my friend is so piercing that I feel like it’s banging my head, but I can be with that too. Because soon enough, it passes and it’s onto more soothing sounds and I have a lived experience that I can tolerate the discomfort. It’s all been so helpful for my ability to tolerate the impossible in my “co-parenting while healing and growing myself. I always appreciate your perspective on things and the work you do.”
"So poignant as always, Molly! 🙏🏽💐
I think about those things a lot. Especially when it comes to pushing my daughter (or over-pushing myself). Tough questions indeed. Apparently in the ease comes expansion… but it seems the opposite is also true. So many mixed messages out there! I guess the answer lies within us, and probably varies situation to situation. Grateful for you and your words!"
I’ve been pondering this and i think we are wrong in both generations. Balance is needed…i don’t know if it is 50/50 but it might be. I have always worn my ability to overcome as a badge of honor and it has led me to become overly self-reliant, toxically resilient, unable to receive which i don’t think is uncommon for those of us in our 40’s/50’s. That being said i fully agree that an extra large helping of ease stifles growth, broad connection, and understanding. We need do find the happy path of facing the challenges we are presented with head on but maybe not spending so much time seeking out new ones. Embracing the periods of ease as well deserved opportunities for rest and recharge not softness.