Sabbatical: #1 The Pause and Creating Conditions

Dear Beloved Modern Mammaling Crew,

I am back from a four-week sabbatical in Costa Rica. I shared a vlog about how this country wasn’t our original plan and why it then became so and why we did it at all. How Can I Reconnect to My Attention was the question I carried with me. It has always been my question and is increasingly my question in our modern, gorgeous, ailing world. One week on retreat without my family. Three weeks with my family in the southern remote part of the country off the tourist track—spending deep time present with each other in the jungle and ocean and playing lots of cards, learning from, sharing with and laughing with the many Ticos we stayed and conversed with, getting a fever and rash sickness that circulated through all of us, encountering majestic (and sometimes scary to us) wild animals in the least likely of moments.

For February, I’ll be off regular script in order to share my insights and expanded wonderings from this sabbatical time. Perhaps a part will resonate or stir something inside you.

THE PAUSE

I didn’t expect to answer my life questions while lying in bed alone at a Holiday Inn near the airport in San Jose. So it was. There’s a world narrative across cultures that leaving home leads to profound growth.

It’s “The Journey” found in literature and art everywhere.

Of course. If you step outside of your comfort zone or “home” (geographic, internal, social), you are destined for a good dose of healthy self-confrontation. I agree 100%. Even on epic trips, though, my awakenings tend to show up in the most mundane moments. Like the middle of the bright day in a hotel room. Curtains drawn. Body tired. I had arrived around 2am the night before and my grand plans to catch a bus into the city evaporated. My souls said, “Stay put. No lights. No plans. No journaling.” Here’s what happened: four hours of staring at the ceiling.

Later on: jungle swimming, spiral shells

It was the first time in adulthood that I had no work responsibilities (I’d doubled down the month before), no home responsibilities and no children responsibilities. Can you imagine? THE BIG PAUSE. In that moment, no breathing exercises or meditation or being guided into an altered state. I had simply stopped and allowed nothing to be. My phone was stuffed in a bag somewhere. My hair had begun to frizz with humidity. I was a 44-year old lead weight wearing nothing but black cotton underwear. I spent a long time feeling the texture of the white sheets between my fingers and noticing the newness of lying in a clean bed I had not made myself. It seems that was enough to welcome the waterfall onto my face. I suddenly became a wide plate, the bowl of a mountain, a massive antennae ready to listen. Insights came rushing down over me with such precision and force I started to laugh. All the questions I’ve struggled with about my life and the world were being answered in some form. At first, I was being told to write nothing down because it would integrate on its own. Trust the body. Don’t try to “capture” it with your mind. You people try to capture everything. Think about that, Molly. Think about that word. Hmmm. The waterfall sped up. Whole images and actual blueprints and life plans and large and small community designs were showing up. Yes to this and of course to that. Eventually—out loud—I asked it to slow down. It actually did! I don’t know how to explain it but I know you know from your own metaphysical, unexplainable, spiritual moments. When I couldn’t bear not writing it down anymore, I somersaulted out of my bed like a walrus, grabbed my journal and returned. And so it continued.

Once emerged: initial journal notes and a photo for a friend because I'm a communicator and had to tell someone.

Nothing ‘special’ had happened to initiate it.

All I had experienced of my trip so far was the sleepy hustle of finding an airport shuttle in the dark, the glazed eyes of the front desk man, and the salty yum of a bag of cashews I’d brought with me.

So, how? It was a gift +

I had created the conditions.

I had stopped.

I had planned a sabbatical.

*A sabbatical obviously doesn’t require flying to another country, nor is that a possibility for most. Mine was wrapped into a family intention. Sabbatical can be anywhere: short, long, in your hometown, away. But it does necessitate space, boundaries, support and a willingness to weather the particular-to-you consequences of doing so. There will be consequences: financial, social, etc. We each have to decide whether we can standby them, whether our life can uphold itself. That’s a very real question and, for some, would make a sabbatical of any kind impossible. Unless communities of support show up. The benefits? Have you ever heard someone who took time off say they regretted it?

I had intentionally brought no distractions: no email, no books, no articles to read, no doing-things, no podcasts, no small or big work tasks, no lists, no organizing intentions, nothing. That was it. It sounds easy. It wasn’t.

Does this tape also run in your heart? It feels wrong to pause. Not everyone gets to pause like this. How could I pause when the world is disintegrating? How could I abandon my responsibilities? Is that okay to do? Am I bad person if I do it? Am I hurting other people if I do it? Am I not staying responsible to the world?

I have lived the stickiness of these questions every day.

My CLEAR resolution now is that a pause is both #1 essential and #2 not forever.

The Pause is a time-proven, ancient, built-in mechanism for well being: stare out the window during math class, sit on your haunches and gaze across the green field at nothing or at everything, zone out on the train and watch the flicker of lights and buildings pass by. Google it and you’ll find articles about how important The Pause is for children’s development and for human creativity. Unfortunately, devices have almost eliminated The Pause, just as they told us we need to be summer all the time. If you are curious about de-colonizing your mind and habits and actions in the world, doesn’t it seem like this is part of it? We are a world devoid of pauses. Not pausing also gets spun as noble, especially in the liberal circles (of which I am a part). Trust me, I’ve done it. I’ve stayed on top of every news soundbite and read all the things and refused to let myself enjoy anything (b/c others are suffering) and stayed up until midnight just to be informed and not ‘rest’ on important things. Where did that get me? In the ER with an emergency blood transfusion. Sometimes, The Pause gets forced upon us.

Not pausing is not noble. It harms you and, by extension, harms everyone.

The wisdom of the nervous system, the ocean tide, the breath of life and all of nature is contraction and expansion. We have to go into the cave in order to be able to sustainably expand back out.

How do we do this?

I’m continuing my inquiry on attention—forever. I will go on a long sabbatical again one day. In the meantime, how can I create mini-sabbaticals in my daily life? What conditions do I need to create or firm up? How about you?

For example, after four weeks of no computer, I resisted sitting down or even standing up to write this newsletter. Did. Not. Want. To. Do. It. Wished I could meet you all in a room and have a long conversation instead. This share also wasn’t one I could walk and speak aloud. So, I stopped and gave myself a 30 minute sabbatical to dance to music. That always works. Back I came with more energy for it.

That’s it for now.

Next week: more about accountability, jungle learnings, and why I continue to be less interested in ideas and more interested in people.

Love,