Words are Spells
Weeks 4, 5, and 6
Update: This collective surge of energy + all the opinions and takes. My whole body exhaled when Kamala became our candidate. Had I been holding my breath that whole time? I am buzzing with how her being elected could be a subterranean pivot point for the world. Of course, like all of us, she is imperfect. Why do people act surprised by that? What an engaging thrill it would/will be to be a critical thinker and voicer and doer about her Presidency and its positives and flaws as oppose to perma-bracing in the gloomy and violent face of the other option. The future of humanity now feels possible. Gawwwdd. All to say, I’ve been somersaulting with this turn of political events, as well as devoted to family visiting from afar. How’s The Walk going? I will be posting a more structured update every Tuesday. See below. Plus two bonus posts per month for paid subscribers. If you are new, I’m tracking an intention and the actualizing of a rigorous 20-mile mountain day walk this fall. Why? It’s the scaffolding for a deeper internal journey that has external ramifications for me, my people, and the ways I can show up. Simply, it’s “my organizing force” right now.
Do you have one too these days? Humans tend to.
Mytho-poetry
Words are spells. She listens like a fox and takes space like a porcupine. A friend reminds her: Take the space you need and your barbs won’t hurt anyone. Barb, barb, what is that etymology? Barbarian? This woman is considering her orientation. Her rattle recently moved across her hips and sang, “Take yourself seriously!” Simply a reminder. She has been. Ears wide open to the earth. Listening to the messages: Create the boundaries, Find the slow, C’mon. Not sitting in a rocking chair. Not doing nothing. Whatever the speed, devote yourself to there-ness. THAT. The provider takes her seriously. He is an athlete who works with athletes and fascia and with her athlete-husband too. Even though she is far from… nope, new words… even though she inches her way, sometimes large steps her way back toward being agile again, he meets her as if she already is that—an athlete! In his office, in his reflection, she slips in and out of that identity, tries it on like a dress on a hanger. He talks to her as if she has a longstanding relationship to her muscles. Does she? Another elder tells her effusively that her heart is sweet. She wonders, Don’t you mean sour? Hmm, maybe she can be sweet & sour. After a first visit, another provider insists, “You are much stronger and well balanced than you said you were. Your physical foundation is solid.” Is it? On the way home from town at 9pm, she and her daughter are trapped in a disagreement and her barbs make contact: “Mom, please stop guilting me.” The following night, her husband repeats the phrase. Once everyone has gone to bed, she sits cross-legged on the concrete floor of her living room, listens to the wind, looks at her own hands and reckons: Am I a guilter? She remembers the moldy gray thread of guilt in her grandmother. Has it snaked its way into her body too? These reflections rearrange her. Oh, the extinction bursts. Can she be an athlete with a sweet heart and sturdy body who guilts her loved ones. All is true. All is fluid. Is she currently guilting or did she guilt? Is she overwhelmed by life or is she filtering what she hears? She is hearing so much. Remember, words are spells.
Physical Stats
My hips are getting stronger!
First menstrual bleed in 5 months. What a relief and release.
10 mile walks in the mountains no problem. These have never been a problem; maybe the problem is that I have been assuming they would be a problem.
Learning how to spring off my big toe mound again. How could I have walked on my heels these last 15 years or so? Hmmm. Many thoughts on that one.
Nervous System
A friend locks her lovely deer eyes with mine and invites me to join many of our mid-40s friends in dead-lifting heavy weights together. Another friend sends a podcast about the same material. This isn’t new information for me. But I’ve been immobilized. I sink into another grief cycle. Childish response: not fair. I can’t. Defeat. That kind of exercise to that degree is medicine for perimenopause and contraindicated for pelvic floor issues. Don’t be ungrateful for what you do have. You are so lucky. Still giving up. What’s the point? Well that’s a familiar pattern. Can I follow what is unfamiliar in this moment, maybe even new? From the inside out. This situation is a reality. Ugh. It’s a reality. Feel the reality. Feel it. Feel it. You are still okay even though you are feeling it. You are okay. Keep going. Keep to the exercises that are just right for you right now. Yes. Okay, I can keep going and feel the reality at the same time. Those together = unfamiliar. Whoa! Scrambly. New.
Prayer
Smoky skies. Sigh. My hands touch and thank all the trees I walk by.
What is organizing you these days?
Go well, combine forces, make eye contact,
I'm posting this here from a reader who wrote to me in an email. Keeping her anonymous.
You arrived in my inbox this morning.
A flood of grief and possibility washes over me.
I developed pelvic organ prolapse after the birth of my second son. It scared the shit out of me. I was afraid to bend over. I was so scared.
Fast forward, he’s now 5 and I deadlifted 70kgs in the gym yesterday.
I did an online pelvic floor rehab program for a few years, and then slowly progressed to actually wanting more challenge. Until eventually a few months ago I decided to start an introduction to barbells course with a trainer. I was once again so scared. Not sure if I could do it. Would it ruin my pelvic floor?
After the first few sessions I would barely make it to my car before bursting into tears. I was experiencing grief at being strong. My trainer would say to me “strong work today” and I felt so sad. I was so tired from having had to be strong for so many years. I had to grieve that relationship so I could form a new relationship with strong. I wanted the new strong and I was sad about the old strong, that I didn’t choose. So of course I had to build a tolerance for a new kind of strong. I’m getting there. A few weeks ago I graduated my introduction course and had to go to the gym all by myself….so scared, again. But step by step I’m getting there. My boys call me when they need something “Mom we need your big strong muscles over here”.
P.S. four weeks ago I deadlifted 70 kgs and my arms and legs could do it, but I felt a bulging and bearing down into my pelvic floor. So I grieved that it was my weakest link right now and went back to 60kgs for a few weeks and now, my pelvic floor is saying yes to 70. I’ll have my period next week so it might say no again then. So I’ll just listen and adjust.
Some new stats for me too Molly: hiked five miles in Belair np, my PT said my straight leg lift has gone from 30 to70 percent!, but 18 laps in the pool is my limit and that's ok, learning how to pronate using my glute muscles not my lower back, doing yoga listening to my body and stopping when there is pain (I cannot push through pain), practicing dead lifts. My organizing momentum here is being able to pick up a toddler and sit on the floor to do a puzzle with said toddler without pain.